Merry merry, my damies! A very Merry Christmas and/or a happy holidays to you and yours. My gift to you? It's that video up there of Rasheed Wallace (and associates) singing Jingle Bells! So, yeah. You're welcome. Oh, and I even threw in a picture of Christmas Poe Dameron! So, yeah. Now you owe me. But we can discuss the ways in which you can repay me in 2016...
Enjoy the festivities, friends! And I'll catch you in the new year!...
Week 16 Picks New York Jets (+3.5) vs New England Patriots + UNDER 46
Oakland Raiders (-5) vs San Diego Chargers Washington Tedskins (+3.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles Carolina Panthers (-7) @ Atlanta Falcons
Dallas Cowboys (+6) @ Buffalo Bills Detroit Lions (-7.5) vs San Francisco 49ers Houston Texans (-3.5) @ Tennessee Titans
So I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens, last night. Which is to say, I went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens, last night. But the screening was delayed for 35 minutes due to some issue with the film's formatting. Then, to satisfy my alleged inconvenience, I was provided with 3(?!) free passes to a future film. And then I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. And you know what? It was pretty damn good...
I won't bother reviewing it here, as the abundance of spoilers/plot twists makes that effort a tad bit futile. That, and it's already been reviewed 6 ways from Sunday. But I will recommend that you go see it. It's true to the franchise, which is great. And for a science fiction/fantasy film especially, it has some stellar acting performances (Oscar Isaac, Daisy Ridley, and John Boyega, mostly. Though the holdovers more than hold their own). It's definitely the most I've ever laughed during a Star Wars movie, too. Which is always a bonus. Especially for a film like Star Wars, where you're gonna get a more active and involved viewing audience than at your typical screening. Something about everyone excitedly laughing in unison. Makes for a good time...
So instead of watching the sloppy, listless, and poorly officiaTed football this weekend, go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. You should bet on those sloppy, listless and poorly officaTEd games before you do, by utilizing the advice below. But if you're going to watch anything, I advise it be Star Wars. OR anything else that's not the game involving your home team, really. But especially Star Wars...or Fargo, if you can't bring yourself to get off the couch. Wow, what a finale. But that's a different story for a different day...
Good luck, my damies. And may the force be with you...and not your bookie. Which rhymes with wookie. Because Star Wars...
Week 15 Picks New England Patriots (-14) vs Tennessee Titans
New York Jets (-3) @ Dallas Cowboys Minnesota Vikings (-5.5) vs Chicago Bears New York Giants (+5) vs Carolina Panthers
Washington Tedskins (+1) vs Buffalo Bills
Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) vs Atlanta Falcons
Kansas City Chiefs (-7) @ Baltimore Ravens
Houston Texans (+2.5) @ Indianapolis Colts Oakland Raiders (+4.5) vs Green Bay Packers Seattle Seahawks (-14.5) vs Cleveland Browns
Denver Broncos (+7) @ Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers (-1) vs Miami Dolphins San Francisco 49ers (+7.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals Arizona Cardinals (-3) @ Philadelphia Eagles New Orleans Saints (-2.5) vs Detroit Lions
Greetings, my damies! No scorching hot takes this week, I'm afraid. Just picks...and a picture from the latest Lindsay Lohan photoshoot. Because, no. She's not dead...yet. And neither am I! With this week's picks helpfully serving as proof...
Ladies and gentleman, I have thoughts and comments regarding the Red Sox and their acquisition of David Price. Actually, it's more of a question. And that question is this:
Is it racist for me to want to wish David Price luck by saying "Godspeed, you black emperor!"? Give that a think while you're mulling over this week's picks, and get back to me. OR don't, and I'll just assume it's the jump off and start designing the t-shirts. So don't...
No, but seriously. Congratulations to Dave Dombrowski for outbidding all other suitors by $30 million in order to convince a guy that doesn't want to play in Boston, to play in Boston. I'm sure David Price will adjust masterfully, pitch very well in the postseason, and not at all become the CC Sabathia of the Back Bay. BB Sabathia, if you will. Which you shouldn't...
Yes, Price has a great regular season track record. And yes, it's never a "bad deal" when you didn't have to give up any prospects (it's not my money, guy kid). But you'll have to excuse me for not celebrating the impending arrival of a guy who:
A) has shown at every turn that he probably won't adapt well to this market B) is ONLY coming here for the money C) is on the WRONGside of 30 (paging John Henry) AND D) is best known for gas-canning it up come playoff time (career ERA of 5.12 over 63 IP. 6.17 ERA in 2015)
I guess it's a good sign that the ownership group is actually letting Dombrowksi do his thing (or at least do this thing). So there's always that. And I like that he aggressively pursued who he wanted. So there's always that, too. I just think that there's every indication that this particular player may not be a perfect fit for this particular situation. And a $30+ mil a year player should fit like a glove. Whereas this has all the earmarks of a square peg being forced into a round hole...
Hey, I hope I'm wrong. I hope Price is great, and doesn't let the media (or David Ortiz) knock him off his game. I hope the front office is able to manage the opt-out after year 3 effectively (no chance in Hell), and it serves as a carrot instead of an anchor. And I hope that this is only the latest in a line of successful Dave Dombrowski deals that I don't like or understand. I don't think that it will, and I'm fairly confident that they won't (paging BB Sabathia). But I've enjoyed being wrong before, and I'm not averse to trying it again...
And I know I sound like a spoiled killjoy (Old Rick!!!!), picking nits with my scorching hot take. But rest assured, I'm not one of those Teds that will root against a guy on my own team just because I didn't like the circumstances from whence he came. I mean, this isn't JD Drew we're talking about. I just don't like the deal, for the reasons I've laid out. And I do like colorfully going on the record. So here we are...
I wish Dombrowksi and Price the best of luck, though. As we enter an era that I'm tentatively calling 'The Dawn of the Daves'. And here's to hoping they won't RUIN MY SUMMAH!!!...
Now I'll wish you some good luck before bestowing on you this week's prophetic picks. So Ted speed, you (probably) white emperors! And I'll catch you next week...
Week 13 Picks
New England Patriots (-10) vs Philadelphia Eagles
Houston Texans (+3) @ Buffalo Bills
Chicago Bears (-6.5) vs San Francisco 49ers
Cincinnati Bengals (-7) @ Cleveland Browns
Jacksonville Jaguars (+3.5) @ Tennessee Titans
St. Louis Rams (+6.5) vs Arizona Cardinals
Baltimore Ravens (+4.5) @ Miami Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings (pick) vs Seattle Seahawks
New York Giants (+3.5) vs New York Jets
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1) vs Atlanta Falcons
Oakland Raiders (+3.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs
Denver Broncos (-4) vs San Diego Chargers
Carolina Panthers (-7) @ New Orleans Saints
Indianapolis Colts (+10) @ Pittsburgh Steelers + UNDER 49
Washington Tedskins (-4.5) vs Dallas Cowboys + OVER 42
Gobble gobble, my damies! I've got a Tedsgiving 6-pack of picks for ya. But before I unleash that Turducken of a beast, just a friendly reminder. In order to ensure that you have as pleasurable a Thanksgiving as humanly possible, refrain from starting and/or engaging in any conversations that involve these topics:
Politics
Religion
The right and wrong ways to raise a child
Whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich
Politics
Religion
What is and isn't a catch in the NFL
Steer clear of those napalm laced talking points, and you should be good to go! And if you happen to have a relative that's actually watching and caught up on Fargo? Well then that, my friends, would be you ending up with the large part of the wishbone. Figuratively speaking of course. I'm still of the opinion that ending up with a lesser chunk of bird skeleton should really constitute a win in that situation. But again, not an argument you're trying to get into with the relatives...
Soiled bird corpse aside, I hope you Teds have yourselves a fantastic and restorative Thanksgiving. And in failing that, maybe just a better than average weekend. Ya know. Keep the bar nice and low, so it's easy to grab. Or jump over? What are we doin' with that "bar", anyway? Hitting it? Because that's what I'm about to do. Oh!...
Gobble gobble, my friends. And good luck...
Thanksgiving Picks
Detroit Lions (pick) vs Philadelphia Eagles + UNDER 46
Dallas Cowboys (pick) vs Carolina Panthers + OVER 45
OK, hot take enthusiasts. I've got ya back in my crosshairs. So here are a few hot takes on some of today's hot topics. And then, of course, I'll present you with this week's prodigious picks. So enjoy...
Daily Fantasy Sports
Daily fantasy sports is gambling. OR is it Daily Fantasy Sports are gambling? Either way, that thing you see all of the commercials for? That's gambling. The government even called it gambling when it allowed it to exist (as they had thoroughly underestimaTed the potential tax windfall had they decided to regulate it from jump street). And it probably should be regulaTed, for the sake and safety of the players more than anything else (see: online poker). It sucks that the UniTed States government have to be the ones doing the regulating. Because they'll probably opt to burn it down and slowly build it back up (see: online poker), effectively killing the industry as we've come to know it. But regulation, in some official and transparent form, is definitely necessary. Massachusetts Attorney General Maura Healey took a very sane and reasonable stand yesterday that I'd like to hope many other states will emulate. But I don't have much faith that they will. Ya know, because they want their respective cuts...
That all being said, anyone citing the fact that only a small % of players actually win as a reason to shut it down is just as ignorant as they are undoubTedly hungry for power and fame (see: NY attorney general). What separates the "luck" based games (scratch tickets, slot machines, etc) from the "skill" based games (poker, daily fantasy, the stock market) is the competition. In the luck games, you're playing against the "house", and its massive house edge. In the skill games, you're playing against other players, while paying the house a flat fee for the right to do so. If you can garner a win rate that makes you more than the house fee, you profit. And whether you're able to profit will ultimately depend upon your ability to use information and experience to your advantage. The better informed and more experienced players will win. The rest will break even or lose. Luck is involved, of course. But you show me a business venture in which luck doesn't play a role, and I'll show you a sucker that doesn't deserve to be separaTed from their money....
And of course only a small % of people are going to be successful! That's like every industry EVER! But I digress...
So yeah. It's gambling. But no more than any other money making venture. Fact is, the government just wants their slice. And they'll probably get it. AKA Enjoy it while it lasts. Because most good things never do...
Boston Red Sox
I liked when the Red Sox hired Dave Dombrowski to run their baseball operations. I really did. Guy's got a good track record, he likes pitchers who throw hard. OK, good stuff! Let's do this! But when he "chose" to bring back John Farrell as manager, I immediately knew this was a "Meet the old boss..." type of situation. Really? Guy gets the reigns and he decides on his own that the middling manager in place is the first guy he'd choose? Yep, I'm not buyin' it. Dombrowski's just the latest lackey for the ownership group, and the moves he makes or doesn't make will almost definitely continue to reflect that fact. It's disappointing, but I'll be pleasantly shocked if that doesn't turn out to be the case...
Oh, and I don't like the Craig Kimbrel trade. Not because of that preceding mini-rant, and not because I love those minor leaguers and/or dislike Kimbrel. Kimbrel is fine, and I don't know those minor leaguers from Adam. I just know that the currency the Red Sox just used for a closer is typically reserved for acquiring a frontline starting pitcher or a big bat for the middle of your lineup. Not for a guy who's only going to throw about 60-70 innings. No matter how impressively efficient hose innings may be. Ya know, because it's common knowledge at this point that, while it looks important on TV and feels good as a fan, it doesn't actually matter when a guy pitches, so much as it matters how often he pitches. And with that being the case, I'd rather use my best assets to acquire a guy who's gonna have a bigger impact (i.e. the potentially disgruntled Jose Fernandez???). But that's just me...
As for Big Papi's impending retirement. I'm gonna miss him. I just hope he doesn't mail it in this year with no contracts left for which to play. Which, yeah. I'm considering a distinct possibility. Not that I could blame him...
College Basketball
BASKETBALL SEASON HAS RETURNED!
When 'Hate Me Now' was a popular(?) song, a friend of mine would always replace the word 'Escobar' in the very beginning with the word 'basketball'. He even wanted us to play it as the intro on our high school basketball warm up tape, figuring we would just will everyone into believing that's what was actually being said. A noble thought, but no. Even so. BASKETBALL SEASON HAS RETURNED!
Yep, and it's gonna be glorious, per usual. Well, maybe not for my Syracuse Orange. Who'll likely be going through some growing pains. But it should still be plenty entertaining, per usual. So keep your eyes here for any pertinent updates, and I'll even start rolling out my weekly top 25 right around Christmas time. So you've got that to look forward to. Which is nice...
#slacktivism
The terror attacks this past week in Paris were tragic. Your changing of your social media profile picture to reflect your support, if that's all that you did? It's lazy at best, and pathetic at worst...
Yep. Not sorry, and not mincing words. Because, what? Your friends and family didn't know that you were anti-terrorism? Because those are the only people you're informing with your one-size-fits-all tribute. No, you did it to draw attention to yourself AND/OR to fit in. Plain and simple. And to use such a tragic event to draw attention to yourself is pathetic. Always has been, and always will be. So do something, even if it's just something as simple as adding to the ongoing discussion. Or do nothing. Whatever makes you comfortable. But don't be a slacktivist, and let your pseudo-support bastardize and trivialize the whole situation. This is terrorism. It's not an opportunity to make a Facebook memory. So act accordingly...
OK. Yeah, so sorry for ending with the grumpy GET OFF MY LAWN rant. But here we are. We can be better. So let's be better, Teds. And let's start by being richer Teds! No comma there. Because we'll all be rich Teds. Ya know, after we all take my advice and use it to profit off of this week's football slate. Ya! Rich Teds!
Good luck, friends. And I'll catch you next week...
Week 11 Picks New England Patriots (-7) vs Buffalo Bills
Indianapolis Colts (+6) @ Atlanta Falcons
Chicago Bears (-1) vs Denver Broncos
Detroit Lions (+2) vs Oakland Raiders + OVER 48.5
Dallas Cowboys (pick) @ Miami Dolphins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7) @ Philadelphia Eagles
Carolina Panthers (-7) vs Washington Tedskins
Baltimore Ravens (-1.5) vs St. Louis Rams
Kansas City Chiefs (-3) @ San Diego Chargers
Minnesota Vikings (pick) vs Green Bay Packers
San Francisco 49ers (+13) @ Seattle Seahawks
Arizona Cardinals (-3) vs Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 7-9-0
Overall: 75-69-4 (.521)
NCAA Top 25 Picks (9) Michigan St. (+14.5) @ (2) Ohio St.
Oof. I really took it on the chin last week, didn't I Teds? Yep, I sure did. And now I find myself hoovering just below profitability (that would be 55%+). But that's OK. I'm not daunTed...
Unfortunately, not being daunTed hasn't been enough to spark any creativity in terms of critical insight or witty commentary (I'll probably have thoughts on daily fantasy and the Red Sox next week). Though it has served as a catalyst for me to buckle down a little more than usual in an attempt to right the ship and churn out a winning week. A strategy that has me picking against my dinged up Patriots, for some reason. Probably because of those aforementioned dings, but yeah...
So either I'm in the forest, and I can't see the trees. In which case this weekend could very well be this season's Waterloo. OR I'm in the trees, but able to chip out into the fairway...and then get a good kick...and some roll. In which case this weekend could very well be my Gettysburg!...
See how I tried to work that golf reference in there (along with conveniently justifying my punny title)? Yeah, that's because I'm golfing again. Yep, turns out I underestimaTed the length of the season. Which'll happen when you take more than a decade off from the game. At least that's what I've been telling myself. I don't know, what do those people who are annually surprised that the seasons change tell themselves? Because that's what I've got goin' on. So I feel your pain, "OMG I can't believe it's not 75 degrees outside in late Octobah!" guy. I feel. Your pain...
I feel the tide starting to turn, too. So let's reap that pain's gain together, my damies. And have ourselves a nice and profitable weekend. Good luck, friends. And I'll catch you next time...
Week 10 Picks New York Giants (+8) vs New England Patriots
Green Bay Packers (-11.5) vs Detroit Lions
Carolina Panthers (-4.5) @ Tennessee Titans
St. Louis Rams (-7) vs Chicago Bears
Philadelphia Eagles (-6) vs Miami Dolphins
Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5) vs Cleveland Browns
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1) vs Dallas Cowboys
New Orleans Saints (-1) @ Washington Tedskins + UNDER 50
Oakland Raiders (-3) vs Minnesota Vikings
Baltimore Ravens (-5.5) vs Jacksonville Jaguars
Kansas City Chiefs (+7) @ Denver Broncos
Arizona Cardinals (+3) @ Seattle Seahawks + UNDER 45
Cincinnati Bengals (-10.5) vs Houston Texans + UNDER 48
Golf is calling me again, my damies. Thank you very much Indian Summer! That's still politically correct to say, right? I mean, I know Daniel Snyder would give it the OK. But would Daniel Day Lewis? I'm not so sure. So let's just call this, 'The Last of Golf-hicans'. Which I'm sure is a phrase that both Daniel's could get behind. Ya know, despite it being exponentially more offensive...potentially...
But I do have thoughts on the latest "is a hot dog a sandwich?" debate that's setting the Interwebs ablaze. And those thoughts are right here, presented mathematically for your viewing pleasure:
A hot dog - the bun = a hot dog
A roast beef sandwich - the bread = roast beef
See? A hot dog is NOT a sandwich. Says math. And me. And that picture of a undoubTedly delicious hot dog sandwich, up there. So yeah. Not a sandwich. Not unless you're referring to the artery clogger pictured above...
Oh, and I've got the latest trailer for Quentin Tarantino's The Hateful Eight for ya, too. Which, needless to say, looks quite promising. But I'll let you be the judge:
Promising, right? I thought you'd think so. And it should serve to tide us over quite nicely until the latest Coen Brothers' offering drops in February...
OK then. I'm off to golf. And you're off to buy hot dogs. Well, first you're going to lose all of your money playing fantasy sports and betting on games (despite having absorbed my virtual wisdom). Then, lacking both money and self esteem (and likely wearing only stained and/or ripped articles of clothing), you'll be buying those hot dogs. And they'll be delicious, no matter what you choose to call them. Ya know, because you don't have to be smart to enjoy a delicious treat. DARWINISM IS DEAD!...
Good luck, Teds. And I'll catch you next time...
Week 9 Picks New England Patriots (-14) vs Washington Tedskins
Miami Dolphins (+3) @ Buffalo Bills
Minnesota Vikings (-1) vs St. Louis Rams
New Orleans Saints (-7.5) vs Tennessee Titans
Oakland Raiders (+5.5) @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Carolina Panthers (+3) vs Green Bay Packers
Atlanta Falcons (-7) @ San Francisco 49ers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3) vs New York Giants
Denver Broncos (-4.5) @ Indianapolis Colts
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) @ Dallas Cowboys + UNDER 45
San Diego Chargers (-4) vs Chicago Bears + UNDER 49
Well, my damies. I've got another abbreviated post for ya. And golf's not to blame for this one. Work is. Well, it was the reason. But then this happened, and that happened, and then general apathy and convenience ultimately won out. But I've still got that delicious pick-y goodness that you crave. Along with a reminder that you should be watching the new season of Fargo. Because it's good TV. And good TV is meant to be watched...
I know you're not watching, because ratings and lack of chatter. Which means you're missing out on (among many other things) a top notch supporting performance by Bokeem Woodbine (above). A dramatic turn that would even make Mike Ehrmantraut blush. Ya know, if Mike Ehrmantraut deigned to ever show any emotion. Which he wouldn't do unless there were a boxcutter involved. Because he's a boss. Ehrmantraut doesn't have a fake band, though. And Woodbine's Mike Milligan is already singing lead for prog rock up-and-comers "Mike Milligan & The Kitchen Brothers". So he's got that goin' for him, which is great. I even hear that they're scheduled to tour the sub-continent with The Blue Jean Committee. But that's just a rumor at best, and a poor tangent at worst...
But yeah, you should be watching Fargo. You really should. Like, take a break from tracking Lamar Odom's bowels (by which I mean "in-laws") for an hour or so, and watch a bunch of talented people tell a unique and interesting story. Okay then? Okay then...
Now, here are the picks. Starting with MinnesOHta and Kansas City. Ya know. Because Fargo...
Week 8 Picks Kansas City Chiefs (-5) vs Detroit Lions
Minnesota Vikings (pick) @ Chicago Bears
Cleveland Browns (+5.5) vs Arizona Cardinals
St. Louis Rams (-7.5) vs San Francisco 49ers Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7) @ Atlanta Falcons
New York Giants (+3.5) @ New Orleans Saints
Pittsburgh Steelers (+1.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals
San Diego Chargers (+3) @ Baltimore Ravens
Oakland Raiders (+1.5) vs New York Jets
Seattle Seahawks (-6) @ Dallas Cowboys
Green Bay Packers (-2.5) @ Denver Broncos + UNDER 46
Carolina Panthers (-6) vs Indianapolis Colts + UNDER 48
Last Week: 9-5-0
Overall: 54-47-3 (.534)
Could have gone with the sexy Halloween theme, here. Pretty sure I've done that in the past, and Lord knows it's a proven winner. But I decided instead to stick with the Fargo theme. Which means you get a naughty gopher (though I hear she went to high school in White Bear Lake. Go Bears!) and a petite blonde in a Steve Buscemi dress. That's when you know that you've finally made it, folks. When your creepy face is on a dress, and your eyes are lined up perfectly with the boobs. Imagine Christina Hendricks in that thing? Because that's what I'm doin' right now. You've got a funny lookin' fella on your whatnots there, dontcha know...
NCAA Top 25 Picks (3) Clemson (-10) @ NC State (8) Stanford (-12) vs Washington St.
(21) Temple (+9.5) vs (9) Notre Dame
(11) Florida (-2.5) vs Georgia
(12) Oklahoma St. (-3) @ Texas Tech
(13) Utah (-23.5) vs Oregon St.
Minnesota (+14) vs (15) Michigan
(16) Memphis (-30) vs Tulane
(17) Florida St. (-20.5) vs Syracuse
(18) Houston (-11) vs Vanderbilt Auburn (+8.5) vs (19) Mississippi
Greetings, fellow degenerates. It's that time again. That time where I make my picks, and you use my pseudo-knowledge to pad your wallets, and gain supremacy over your Teddish cohorts. And you'll probably want to beat your friends this week more than most, considering that Sunday's slate doesn't seem particularly entertaining. Which is my way of saying that outside of Pats/Jets and Cowboys/Giants, this weekend's match ups are more akin to one of those flaming trash receptacles that you keep hearing so much about (fingers crossed that I just guaranteed a week of close and exciting games). But that's not gonna deter me, and it shouldn't deter you. And I know it won't. Because, ya know. Degeneracy....
Sports are great, aren't they? Ya know, minus the scandals and the cheating. OK, so those can be great, too. But you get my point. And it's moments like Jose Bautista's home run and bat flip up there (and the batshit crazy 7th inning that built up to it) that should remind us of that. That sports are great. And, perhaps even more importantly. That sports should be fun! Just like movies! Which is why, even though I'm ditching you fine folks again for another last grasp at golf, I'm leaving you with the trailer for the new Coen Brothers film (Hail, Caesar!) in addition to that joyus GIF of Bautista and (of course) my prodigious picks. Oh, and I've even got an extra college coed for ya since the Google Image search for Florida coeds (no so shockingly) yielded a bevy of quality results...
So, yeah. That's my penance for dipping out on you fine folks. And I've paid it. Now go watch this trailer, get your betting affairs in order, and go out there and have some fun this weekend. Starting...now!
Well, friends. I'm skipping out on ya again to play golf. Ya know, squeezing the last ounces out of the northeast golfing season and whatnot. But I wouldn't deign to leave you empty handed, so here are this week's picks. Complete with the obligatory Rick and Morty (RIP Birdperson #FREERICK etc.) and college coed (annual Red River Rivalry addition) photos. So there ya go, ya rat bastards. That should tide you over til we chat again...
Until then, enjoy your weekend. And I'll catch you Teds next time...
Week 5 Picks New England Patriots (-8.5) @ Dallas Cowboys
Atlanta Falcons (-7.5) vs Washington Tedskins
Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5) vs Seattle Seahawks
Green Bay Packers (-9) vs St. Louis Rams
Tennessee Titans (+2.5) vs Buffalo Bills
Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5) vs New Orleans Saints
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2.5) vs Jacksonville Jaguars
See that guy, up there? Yeah? Well, that's Rick &Morty insta-legend and all around good-guy-for-hire, Taddy Mason. Yep. That's who that is. So, now that I've justified the punny title of my post. Let's pick some winners. See if I can't claw my way above 5 hundy for ya. Ya know, because I'm a nice guy like that. I mean, I'm no Taddy Mason. But you probably already knew that. Unless you still have no idea who Taddy Mason is. In which case you're more than likely Teddy Mason. And nobody likes Teddy Mason. Obviously...
OK, so I sawBlack Mass. And it was good, but by no means great. Here's what holds it back:
*Johnny Depp is a great actor. Fact. But he's just too big a star for this role. You're very aware that you're watching Johnny Depp playing Whitey Bulger, and that just shouldn't be. Personally, I would have liked to have seen Jonathan Banks in that role. But I have a cinematic man crush on that talented bald bastard, so naturally my opinion is skewed. Probably didn't help that Banks' Breaking Bad cohort, Jesse Plemons, is the first person you see when the movie boots up, either. Depp does a fine job. But, yeah. Jonathan Banks (or just a lesser known actor) would have been better. There, I said it. Twice...
*The female characters were fairly useless. Harsh, I know. But there it is. The performances themselves were fine. But the women in Black Mass just weren't very important characters, and seemed to be have their stories forced into the script merely as an attempt to prevent the audience from thinking that South Boston was/is a complete sausage fest. Which, to that end. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
*The music didn't deliver, either. Maybe I'm spoiled by Scorsese, but I expect my gangster films to be accompanied by no fewer than 3 songs composed and performed by The Rolling Stones. One of which HAS to be Gimmie Shelter. House of the Rising Sun should probably be played, too. And something from Clapton. But none of that happened. Which was disappointing...
and finally...
*There just wasn't enough meat on the proverbial movie bone. Namely, none of the characters had nearly enough depth for my liking (that's usually my #1 beef with any film I don't love). Maybe it's because I was already so familiar with Whitey's life; having read several books, seen several documentaries and having lived my whole life in Massachusetts. I don't know. I mean, it's not as if I was expecting new information. But I guess I would have liked to have seen more of what made the man, and what made him tick. Rather than just a replay of his notorious acts, which have been discussed and dissected ad nauseam for the better part of the last quarter century. Depp plays the Whitey we already know to a tee. And that's good, for what it is. I was just hoping for a little more depth. Maybe an unrealistic expectation on my end. But there it is...
As for the better performances, I have to give the nod to Joel Edgerton as John Connolly and a criminally brief appearance by Peter Sarsgaard as Brian Halloran. Rory Cochrane does some solid work as Steve Flemmi, too. And Earl Brown is good as notorious Winter Hill hit man, John Martorano. None of their performances scream "award" to me. It's just more that those guys are great actors, and were suitably cast. So props there. Ya know, minus not giving the reigns to Whitey Ehrmantraut...
...oh and Adam Scott was a questionable call, too. I'm usually a fan of his brand of comedy. But it seemed like a reach to cast him against type like that in such a serious film. I saw what they were goin, for, I just don't think that they, or he, were able to pull it off...
So, yeah. I'd give it somewhere in the 6-6.5/10 range. A solid film that was cast well and pleasing to the eye cinematically. But nothing revolutionary. And definitely not a film I'd expect to ever crack my Hot Mun-Hundred. So there ya go...
Welcome back for week 2, my damies. As promised, I've got all of the picks that are fit to print. Granted, I didn't do any write ups on any of the games because I'll be spending the time that I'd normally allot for that on the golf course. But I kind of promised that, too. When I told you last week that I'd be easing back into my blogging routine. So, yeah. I'm one of those promise keepers. At least in as much that I am "golfer" and a "capable handicapper" (there's a reason that's basically an oxymoron). So there's that...
Week 2 Picks New England Patriots (pick) @ Buffalo Bills
Chicago Bears (+2) vs Arizona Cardinals
San Diego Chargers (+3) @ Cincinnati Bengals
Tennessee Titans (-1) @ Cleveland Browns
Detroit Lions (+3) @ Minnesota Vikings
New Orleans Saints (-10) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New York Giants (-2) vs Atlanta Falcons
Pittsburgh Steelers (-5.5) vs San Francisco 49ers
St. Louis Rams (-3) @ Washington Tedskins
Carolina Panthers (-3.5) vs Houston Texans
Jacksonville Jaguars (+6) vs Miami Dolphins
Oakland Raiders (+6) vs Baltimore Ravens
Philadelphia Eagles (-5) vs Dallas Cowboys
Green Bay Packers (-3.5) vs Seattle Seahawks
Indianapolis Colts (-7) vs New York Jets
Last Week: 8-7-1
ALL TIME: 1278-907-72 (.582)
And if I'm anything in addition to a promise keeper and a golfer, I'm a cinephile. Which sounds dirty, but it really just means that I like movies more than I like most people...
In keeping with that, I'll be seeing Black Mass this weekend. So you can be on the lookout for my review somewhere in the near future. Whether it be on here, or on Twitter. Either way. I expect to be at least semi positive with something along the lines of "Joel Edgerton is such a boss!". Though there's a good chance I mention Benedict Cumberbatch, too. Mostly because I like saying his name. And by "saying", I obviously mean "singing it to the tune of Nickelback's Photograph". Because that's how it's done. You can actually do that with any word, name or phrase with 6 syllables. I call it "Nickel-batching", though I'm not sure if anyone else does. Seemed like the most appropriate moniker, though. So I'm stickin' with it. And it's fun! You should try it. Like, "Georgia Tech Notre Dame!" See? It's fun! No? Well, I know every time that I do it, it makes me laugh. So I'll always have that goin' for me. Which is nice...
NCAA Top 25 Picks (15) Ole Miss (+6) @ (2) Alabama
(6) USC (-10) vs Stanford
(14) Georgia Tech (-2.5) @ (8) Notre Dame
Boston College (+7.5) vs (9) Florida St.
(19) BYU (+19.5) @ (10) UCLA
(13) LSU (-6.5) vs (19) Auburn
Fresno St. (+15.5) vs (21) Utah
UCONN (+21.5) @ (22) Missouri
Duke (-3.5) vs (23) Northwestern
Last Week: 3-4-0
ALL TIME: 687-465-29 (.594)
And there ya go. Hope my advice serves you well, Teds, And I'll catch ya next week...
I'm back, my damies! And so is football!! And so is the long awaiTed second season of Rick & Morty!!! All great things. And while I may have taken the summer to tend to my golf game and make a list of my 100 favorite films. I've returned just in time to provide you with just enough of my finely honed brand of "snark and shark" to get you ready for another exciting season of the brain crippling entertainment we so lovingly refer to as "football"...
This week, I'll be easing back into things by taking "the slow ramp". You know, as an homage to Rick and Morty, up there. That'll serve as the bulk of what this week will have to serve as"snark". The "shark", will be played by my career winning percentages (58% NFL, 59% NCAA). Which have almost reached the point in terms of sample size that they'll be nearly impossible to ignore! At least that's what all of those well balanced individuals on the Interweb message boards keep tellin' me. The man with the bouncing cleavage GIF as an avatar was particularly reassuring...
But alas. Until that day comes, and I'm properly immortalized as the legendary degenerate that I've long aspired to be, then I'll be here slaving away for ya. And as a part of said slaving, I'll usually post at least one picture per week of a scantily clad hottie. So, should all else fail, there will always be that. Which is nice. Reliability is nice...
Now, in the spirit of of reliability. It's time for me to do my job. And, yes. That timely pun was intended. Because if there's one thing I know, it's timely puns...and picking football games...and cartoons for adults...
So hop on the slow ramp to football, my friends. And enjoy...
Getcha popcorn ready, my damies! Because I've spent my down time this summer carefully crafting a list of my 100 favorite films, and it's finally as ready as it'll ever be for it's all important public consumption. I'm calling it, "The Hot Mun-Hundred". Which, for those not so intimately familiar with my work, is a reference (or dare I say an homage) to my finely crafted alter ego, "Bags Munman" (pronounced like "Silverman" NOT like "Spiderman"). BUT FIRST, before you venture through the enigmatic obstacle course that constitutes my cinematic taste, I've provided you with a few disclaimer-type statements to help you get me in your cross-hairs. And they are as follows...
DISCLAIMER TYPE STATEMENTS:
*This is NOT (necessarily)my take on the "best films of all time". It's simply a list of my favorite films. Yes, I'm quite critical. And yes, I've seen more films than is considered socially acceptable for anyone with even partial use of their legs. But by no means do I consider myself some sort of definitive authority on the cinematic experience who's seen every film ever printed. You should think of me in that way. But I don't. I mean, that would just be totally arrogant and slightly inaccurate...
*I have NOT included documentaries or LIVE concert type films in my list. I love them, but there is a time and a place. And I have decided that this is neither...
*For the most part, I don't do horror, sci-fi/fantasy, OR anything with subtitles. And I'm NOT some critical student of cinema (cough:: Mulholland Drive ::cough). Much respect to those genres, the talented actors and directors that populate them, and their legions of fans. But I like what I like. I mean, I try not to discriminate, but it is what it is. And for whatever reason, those film styles don't tend to pique and/or keep my interest...
AND FINALLY
*Despite my best attempts at due diligence, and my consulting a myriad of respected friends and "best of" lists to help jog my memory, I'm sure I forgot a film or two. Probably even a film or two that I'd have rated highly on my list. So feel free to chime in at any time in the comments section. Whether it be to suggest a film you think I may have omitted, one you think I should watch and possibly include, OR to simply eviscerate my poor taste with your cinematic hot takes ("I don't see The Depahhhhted, guy!"). Whatever your opinion, I'd love to hear it. Besides, I plan on keeping this list around and updating/fine tuning it on a regular basis. So any and all suggestions are more than welcomed...
Oh, and I didn't do any write ups or provide any pictures for any of these movies. I had linked each title to its respective IMDB page. Though apparently a recent blogger 'upgrade' made having that many links untenable. So, just assume I like each film because I think it's really good, and then feel free to check out the plot points and major players at your leisure...
Now, without further dudes. It's time to peruse and abuse. So here's my list. Enjoy...
I'm nearly ready to return, you rat bastards. And before I kick off another season of lining your pockets picks to click and popping off appropriate puns, I've decided to grace you all with MY 100 FAVORITE FILMS OF ALL TIME!!!
Yep. Been working on it all Summer, and I'll be releasing it to the masses before the pigskin hits the fan. So you've got that to look forward to. Which is nice. And then I'll make some picks. And that'll be great, too.
Now, I'll let you get back to your hot DeflateGate takes, guy. And I'll catch you in a few weeks.
